Before college, I made a vow to my (past) blog that I would never deactivate, that I would try my hardest to stay—-to update and to reconnect, even when I have a new life ahead of me. But here I am now, in the summer of my freshmen year in college, composing what seems to be a comeback from my newly deactivated blog. Back to zero.
It has been a long while, Tumblr. There were so many things that happened while I was away… mostly changes though. There were the good ones, bad ones, better ones, and worse ones. Most of the time I was adjusting and coping up with this new life I am in. College took me by surprise, literally, and I was both overwhelmed and taken aback by unfamiliarity… and that was when I wanted to run back to the familiar road: high school, old friends, old routines, old happiness, old life. Don’t get me wrong, everyday I meet new people and do new things and that makes me happy, but I just couldn’t let go of the idea that I was happier back then (which I thought I was). This went on for days, weeks, and months of dreading my old life back and wishing I still have the people who left. I was so hurt that it’s hard to accept changes. It wasn’t long until I saw clearly the right set of people to be with, the inner bliss of pursuing my passion in Benilde, and finally the motivation to discover myself and work in a completely different field. It’s like I was enlightened: there was finally a bright new bulb atop my head where a dark and gloomy bulb was once on. Up until now I’m always excited and thrilled to be involved in new experiences and find out more of what I can do, and that’s why I can already distinguish the past me from the new me. Change is good, indeed. It took me a while to get there, and though I still have that longing of nostalgia every now and then, I know now that I should focus more on the present.
I realized now that I’m finally leaving it all behind: both my blog and my past self. Cranky (Filipino version) blogger me in 2009, scared and insecure me in high school—-all those characters I shifted into and the ‘me’s that lead me to the me I am now: thank you and farewell. If I didn’t become what I was, I wouldn’t learn from myself and I wouldn’t find the person I want to be. I kept the past locked in that little blog because I was so scared of losing what I thought was precious, and maybe that’s why I can’t move forward. I kept coming back and trying to be that same girl who I wasn’t, and it’s like fitting myself into a hole that doesn’t fit me anymore, and maybe that’s why I left for good. And that applies to my life, maybe I just needed time to get away from my old life to give me a space to grow. I would love a fresh new start. This time there’s room for new things, new discoveries, and a brand new me. In that one year of my blog-less life, I’ve thought about life and learned that it’s always okay to give up the good for something much more better.